mail obsessions and mountain dreams

I'm obsessing over the mail box now. The trouble I had getting my refund check for a recalled product has me nervous now that mail isn't getting to me. Of course rationally I know this isn't the case and that it has only been a week since I have sent out my audition packets.

So now the trick is to find something more productive to obsess about. I have already obsessed about my health, decided that for the next four months I will once again avoid dairy, red wine, martinis, and late nights.

I have done the clothing and shoe obsession thing and now think it would behoove me to once again obsess about shoes. Yes, something that is easy to think about, simple. This is something that I don't worry about the decision weighing heavily on success or failure.

A girl can only practice so much in a day before the opera books, magazines, dvds, cds, sheet music and scales loose their impact. Part of learning is resting; give the brain a break, relax, enjoy, life life. So, today is devoted to mi-mi-mi-mi. A bit of journaling is good to get things down and out. I'll be taking a trip to the Indian grocery store to find ingredients to experiment with (cooking is a joyful hobby of mine). Then there is my lesson which I always look forward to. I will then be going out with a girlfriend to further explore and cure my shoe and dress obsession after which it is time to go party and watch my man perform and perhaps do some good ol' fashioned dancing, finished by a night dreaming of the mountains and fall leaves.

Recording

2 hours
3 arias
$350
7 audition cds
All the Christmas gifts a girl could dream of. That is, everyone I know will be receiving a copy of yours truly of their very own for Christmas '06.

Yes, it is a good investment. Yet at a time when I am trying to save up for plane tickets and other travel expenses for trips to New York, St. Louis, San Francisco, Pittsburg, Seattle, Cincinnati, etc., it is a bit of a shock to the wallet.

I was very excited going into the recording; a little too over excited as I sometimes tend to get. It was eye opening to be so worked up and then have two hours to come to grips with the fact that I was standing in a small room with foam covering every conceivable inch of hard surfacing. I was a bit surprised I didn't have to wear some special padded suit in order to even enter. It was ridiculous. I understand the nature of recording in a studio setting but I had only ever recorded in a live room with natural acoustics. I do have to say I am still a strong fan of the 'natural' method.

Being so excited and realizing that what I was doing was not worth all the butterflies in my stomach was the greatest investment I could have received. In some ways my physical reaction to the situation was very much like my reaction before auditions except this time, I had a chance to figure out how to deal with it and perform.

So yes, the small amount I put into it in time and money and reaped big rewards in product and experience.

Stepping Up to the Block

I am scared. I suppose I am more scared this go around than last. I had my naivety to protect me last audition season. I had the unknown to fear but knowing that I once again could fail is more frightening than never having had failed. Now that I have faced passing out on an airplane, spending the night in an er before auditioning the next afternoon, you would think that I would feel stronger. I would think that I had developed internal strength. Plus, how could something like that happen again!? But it isn’t the things that are out of my control that make me nervous.

I can look at all of the work I have done this past year, know that I have improved and matured but still know how difficult the path I have chosen is. I do not regret skipping medical school and a career in surgery. I do not regret turning away from something I know I could have succeed in (in the way that I wanted to) for something that I have to take on faith that I will succeed in.

Faith is not an easy word for me. I am used to the facts, figures and science of thinking. This way of thinking can only take me so far. If I am to succeed in music, I need to have faith in myself and in those that I want to share my passions with.

While running the other night I think I metaphorically stumbled upon a tool to help me through the blood sport of opera auditions: visualize and meditate. I had been told and been trying the meditation route before yesterday but by adding a positive visualization of an audition experience - before and after - to the routine, has already seemed to help with my anxiety. It reminds me of my days on the swim team ... before every swim meet we would visualize our races; the walk up to the pool, stepping up onto the block, taking the stance, waiting for the gun, hearing the gun, pushing off from the block, the race, finishing, getting out of the pool and walking away from the pool.

Steps, there are so many more steps to the process than just the performance of the aria.