Stepping Up to the Block

I am scared. I suppose I am more scared this go around than last. I had my naivety to protect me last audition season. I had the unknown to fear but knowing that I once again could fail is more frightening than never having had failed. Now that I have faced passing out on an airplane, spending the night in an er before auditioning the next afternoon, you would think that I would feel stronger. I would think that I had developed internal strength. Plus, how could something like that happen again!? But it isn’t the things that are out of my control that make me nervous.

I can look at all of the work I have done this past year, know that I have improved and matured but still know how difficult the path I have chosen is. I do not regret skipping medical school and a career in surgery. I do not regret turning away from something I know I could have succeed in (in the way that I wanted to) for something that I have to take on faith that I will succeed in.

Faith is not an easy word for me. I am used to the facts, figures and science of thinking. This way of thinking can only take me so far. If I am to succeed in music, I need to have faith in myself and in those that I want to share my passions with.

While running the other night I think I metaphorically stumbled upon a tool to help me through the blood sport of opera auditions: visualize and meditate. I had been told and been trying the meditation route before yesterday but by adding a positive visualization of an audition experience - before and after - to the routine, has already seemed to help with my anxiety. It reminds me of my days on the swim team ... before every swim meet we would visualize our races; the walk up to the pool, stepping up onto the block, taking the stance, waiting for the gun, hearing the gun, pushing off from the block, the race, finishing, getting out of the pool and walking away from the pool.

Steps, there are so many more steps to the process than just the performance of the aria.