Confidence

Confidence. The last few weeks have all been about confidence.

I just finished my first week with Opera Santa Barbara's Young Artist Program. We had our first run through of our full scenes program today. All in all things went well. It has been great fun working with the stage director James Marvel. He's a rock star. I'm performing the full role of Stephano from Romeo et Juliette, which isn't huge but it's great to have another role down. Since it is a small cameo, a cameo with an aria though, it is more likely I'd get hired to sing it on the main stage.

While I was in San Diego last month singing with the chorus, I had the opportunity to watch another mezzo perform the role. I was even able to coach with Karen Keltner, the conductor. Working with her was really helpful, for example, I learned what to watch for when working the role with an orchestra. I have to say, I feel much more comfortable performing when conducted. It could be that I am less focused on the sound that I am trying to produce and instead the mental energy that goes into singing is being channeled outward instead of inwards. I stop worrying about the technique and start feeling the music, using the text and emoting.

But back to the Santa Barbara staging Stephano:

I am constantly moving, searching for Romeo, egging on the Capulets, and adding comedy and lightheartedness to an otherwise very serious show. We all know that the two love birds die and I sure can't watch the opera without the heaviness of impending doom weighing on my heart. Stephano offers a bit of release in the midst of love and death.

Today I felt the stage direction settle a bit more into my limbs; I was connecting more actions with the text but at the same time, certain musical moments were slipping away. It has been a tricky balance between centering myself enough to sing with a full supported voice and also being active enough to portray the precociousness of Stephano. I felt more grounded in my voice today and hopefully that trend will continue. We still have several weeks to go before we perform which means I have time to work out moments in which I can rest and breathe. It has been staged really well and the moments are there, I just have to allow myself to use them.

But back to the original idea behind this post - confidence. When comparing my experience here with that of several years ago at Opera Colorado I came to a wonderful conclusion. I feel like I am supposed to be here. I am good enough. I have a place. While in Colorado everything was new. I looked at all the other singers, feeling far less experienced then them. I was tentative in staging rehearsals and never felt at home in performance. I didn't serve the music to its fullest for I didn't truly trust my voice yet enough to dive deeply into the emotions of the works. I am not trying to say by any means that I am currently "the ultimate diva" and have nothing to learn. On the contrary, I have so much to learn but I feel more grounded and better equipped to synthesize musical and stage direction into performance. In short, I am confident.